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A Month Later – An Update Blog

As many of you may know I quit my job back in August to focus on my health and becoming a healthier and happier person.  I suffer from Fibromyaglia which was starting to flare up more and more frequently and working the 40 hour week was slowly killing me physically and emotionally.  I was not able to have a life anymore because by the end of the week I was dead to the world.  I needed to relax all weekend and even that wasn’t enough, by the time I was feeling better it was time to go back to work for another week.  I was stuck in a vicious cycle that was draining every once of who I was out of me.

"I just can't anymore..."

“I just can’t anymore…”

It was a scary decision to make but so far it has proven to be a good one.  Waking up on Friday the 12th and knowing that I didn’t have to force myself out of bed and I didn’t have to try and move quickly to get ready and make a lunch lifted a lot of stress off my back.  The biggest relief though was knowing that I wasn’t letting anyone down.  I wasn’t calling in and letting my boss and coworkers down because I couldn’t make it in.  When I was having to call in I felt like such a failure because I am only 28 years old and I can’t even work a desk job.

So much pressure is put on those of us with an invisible chronic illness.  We are told that we should be able to work a 40 hour week, I mean you just sit at a desk all day right?  My coworkers were awesome and never made me feel bad about it, but, the thoughts of my old coworkers from my previous job played in my mind every day.  I lived in constant fear that I would be punished for having a disability and that no one would possibly understand what I was going through.  I thought people would think I was faking or that I was exaggerating the pain that I was experiencing.  Thankfully my coworkers and boss were amazing and I never felt that from them.

Having their support really helped my decision

Having my boss’ and coworkers’ support really helped my decision

This last month has been a learning experience and I am still having flare-ups and days that I don’t feel 100%.  I am still learning my body and what I need to do to support it.  This last month was full of lots of concerts with a couple weeks of us going to three concerts a week.  I learned that I am not cured just because I am not working a full time job, I am still able to flare-up and the pain is still there and extremely real.  Just yesterday I experienced a flare after a pretty lazy weekend and a birthday dinner on Monday.  After the dinner I found myself wiped out and in lots of pain, it is so funny how just sitting at a table in a wooden chair can cause so much pain.  For a normal person this isn’t a problem, but for someone with a chronic pain condition it can be a big deal.  By the time we got home my whole body was in pain and I was exhausted, I ended up having to lay down and go to bed early because I was just dead.

Welcome to hell, please have a seat.

Welcome to hell, please have a seat.

Over the last month I got the important things figured out let me tell you that dealing with MnSure wasn’t a great experience.  They send you a letter telling you to call them and then when you do you end up sitting on hold for hours.  I was transferred three times before I was talking to the right person, but, I got through it and I have insurance now.  This is so important for me because I have prescriptions that can get pretty pricey without coverage.  The pharmaceutical industry is so fucked up, back when I didn’t have insurance I was paying $400 for a 30 day supply of my anti-depressant.  How is that even okay?  These medicines are needed by a lot of people to function from day to day and you are going to go and charge a ridiculous amount for them so they can’t afford them.  That is just plain messed up and not okay!

So no I am not “cured” nor will I ever be.  I am still going to have pain and flare-ups but I will learn to manage them better and learn my triggers.  This past month was a busy one with concerts, the Fair and just trying to enjoy the summer.  I am learning the balance between just enough and too much and I know that is going to be a long journey.  I appreciate all the support of those around me and for Dan who has supported me through this decision to leave my job and work on the home business.

In the next coming month I hope to learn to better balance my life and know when to say no.  I think I was afraid to say no because there is no reason for me to not do something being I don’t work a traditional job anymore.  I need to accept the fact that I don’t need to do something every day of the week just because I have the time to do it.  It is okay to stay home and focus on myself and no one is going to be angry with you for making the decision to care for myself and my health.  If someone does get angry with it they obviously do not belong in my life, I do not need any negativity in my life right now.  I put enough pressure on myself there isn’t room for anyone else to do that also.

Again, I thank all of you for supporting me through this new part of my life and I look forward to sharing more with you as this journey continues.

 

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