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Why I Chose Me

Growing up we are taught that there is a way we are supposed to go through our lives.  We are told that you go to school then once you graduate high school you go to college and you get a degree.  Now if you are really good you go for your Bachelor’s degree but if you don’t want to go that long or spend that money an Associates program is okay, but it doesn’t look as good on your resume.  Once you get through college you find a job and you work that job until you retire, if you don’t like that job you get another job and work that one.  In my family, it was also taught that you get a job in high school if you plan on wanting to drive a car at any time in your high school career.  So not only are you working a job while going to high school and college you never get a break from working.  The moment you can legally work you are expected to go out there and get that job and you are supposed to keep working until you are old enough to retire when the government tells you that you can retire.

 

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“I have to work how many more years?”

 

What happens when you don’t fit into that little mold?  What happens when you can’t work a full-time job without killing yourself and causing yourself harm by pushing yourself that hard?  These are the questions I have been asking myself lately as my health has been taking a downward turn.  My Fibromyalgia has been flaring up more and more lately and I find myself struggling to make it through a week at work.  In the past month I have made it through one full 40 hour week, otherwise, the other weeks I have missed at least one day a week with this week being no exception to that rule.  I have been to the doctor and gotten my FMLA (Family Medical Leave Act) paperwork filled out and they can’t legally fire me but there is still this pressure on me to go to work when I am in the middle of a flare up when I should be resting.

 

It isn’t easy to have an invisible illness that no one can see, to all my coworkers I look perfectly healthy.  They don’t know how I have been feeling and the pain I am in, the extreme fatigue I have because I am not going into a deep sleep and I am not getting REM.  To them I look like a lazy person that just doesn’t want to work, they probably assume I go out and do other shit on my days off and enjoy my time.  They don’t know that I usually don’t get out of bed until the afternoon on those days and I usually have to take a nap mid-day because just sitting up and watching TV is enough to drain all my energy.  I would never wish that they would ever feel as bad as I feel but sometimes you wish they could just walk in your shoes during one flare up, just to know how it feels.  Yes, you can try and explain to them how it is, but until someone experiences for themselves taking a shower then being so tired that they have to go back to bed, they will never truly understand what it is like for us with chronic illnesses.

 

Well, I finally made the decision after almost two months of missing work and feeling like a horrible person for missing work to decide that I cannot do it anymore.  I can’t force myself to go to work for 40 hours a week just to be so exhausted by the end of the week and in so much pain that I spend the weekend recovering and not getting anything done.  I can’t keep skipping working out because I have no energy to even go for a walk after work because I have to take a nap.  I can’t keep avoiding making dinner because I have no energy even after a nap to do so.  I also can’t cook dinner because I still haven’t been able to do the dishes from weeks ago from that one night I was feeling well enough to make dinner.

 

So I put in my two-week notice last week, and it was the scariest thing I have ever done.  I don’t have disability lined up, I don’t even know if I will ever qualify for disability through the state being it is so hard for Fibromyalgia patients to get approved for it.  I decided to put in my two-week notice with no job lined up because:

  • I need to focus on managing my Fibromyalgia better
  • I need the time and energy to focus on eating healthy
  • I need the time and energy to work out regularly
  • I need the open schedule so I don’t stress about being late to work or missing work
  • I need the option to take a vacation when I need to, not when I have PTO saved up
  • I need to focus on me!!

 

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The world is my oyster

 

That is why I made the decision to quit my job.  Luckily, I have a really supportive boyfriend who is there for me and who is willing to help me through this time when I am not working.  While I figure out what work I can do and what is going to best for me.  This is so scary and sometimes I find myself freaking out, I have until Thursday,  August 11th of working left and then who knows what life will bring.  I am so excited to share it all with you, the scary, the unhappy and hopefully mostly the awesome things I am learning along the way.  I hope to learn a lot of things that I can share with all of you and if you have any tips for me, please share them below or reach out to me through another platform.

 

 

 

2 Comments

  • cara August 8, 2016 at 5:46 pm

    I think you are truly a brave person, which is very admirable. Not many people could up and quit their job like that, but I hope you are able to recover and pursue things that make you happy. Best of luck!

    Reply
    • apositivejessica August 9, 2016 at 10:08 am

      Thank you so much Cara, I never have thought of myself as brave. It was one of the scariest decisions I have made but I am at peace with it, except when those little panic attacks creep up on me as I get closer to my last day.

      Reply

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